The World According to Tank

The World According to Tank: 1

"It was a very hot afternoon so I thought I'd get in the trailer and we could all go somewhere cooler. I hear that the Hebrides are cooler."

"OK! Now I'm part of The Gather, when do we set off, where are we going and will there be sheep?
I've sat in here most of the afternoon and we haven't moved an inch!"

The World According to Tank 2 - dictated after a late dinner

Well he seemed nice enough - food, drink and a fair bit of attention as well as some walks but there was something missing!

That is until, this evening! It seems that the "truck" is not something that you are jolted around in for hours to no good purpose. This evening the truck took me to SHEEEPS!

OK I had to do sheep things with him and he is, well he's been nice to me so must not be mean so we'll leave it at - he is hopeless!

I think I will quite like it here - according to what the humans call Maslow's pyramid, which of course is Akela's Hierarchy of Need I have shelter, food and water. I feel safe and I feel like I belong. You, dear reader, will know that Maslow goes off on one at this stage about esteem and self-actualisation. However Akela hit the nail on the head. Above safety and belonging there are SHEEEPS!

This new home has SHEEEPS even if it means travelling in the truck. Bloody Brilliant!

Yes, I think it may be OK here!

The World According to Tank 3 - It's even better here

The human with his head on upside down (apparently it's called a beard) has come up trumps for a hot night - a frozen bone!

The World According to Tank 4

I think I like my new home but there are still one or two things that I need to learn about my new Human.

For example last night there were two storms - thunder, lightning, rain - the works. I wasn't scared of course but did wonder if the Human would be so I thought I would take him my bone to comfort him. I think that he was only pretending to be asleep so I didn't think that jumping onto his bed to give him my present would be wrong.

We all make mistakes. It seems that he was actually asleep despite all the thunder and woke with a start. This surprised me and I accidentally let go of the bone. Instead of gently placing it by his mouth, so that he could chew it and calm his nerves that I thought would be shattered by the storm, it landed on his head. He used one of those words that I first heard when my first human was driving.

Yes! There are lessons to be learned.

The World According to Tank - 5

My Humans are great! They bought us some new toys yesterday. They are called Herdies and we are all looking forward to playing with them! We nearly didn't get them home though as we had to drive along what my Human calls "The Effing M25".

As we were creeping along this road with lots of other cars a very big black car was alongside the trailer with our Herdies. It pulled forward and one of the dark windows went down to reveal four men of what my human calls middle eastern extraction. The one nearest to our truck leaned out of the window and called across,

"Nice sheeps! How much? I buy pretty sheeps."

"Sorry, only just bought them, they're not for sale," replied my human.

"No! I buy youse sheeps now. What price?"

My good old human said no again and a slight acceleration from 20 to 30 miles per hour meant that the would-be sheep owners moved forward never to be seen again.

The World According to Tank 6

Today I have discovered socks but have been left wondering how such single and enjoyable toys can be so complicated for my Human.

To start with I found a sock in the wastepaper basket in the room with what my Human calls the "ironing mountain".. Now I have learned that chewing the wastepaper basket or running around the garden with it is not approved of so very sensibly I chose to take just the sock. My Human was amused by this and we played together for a little while but he soon gave up and muttered something about "We'll play in the morning little Tank - 3 in the morning is not playtime.."

What does he know?

Well, I waited patiently for 2 hours, spending some time perfecting the sock throw and pounce. I did this really, really quietly but it seems that it was not quiet enough so I dozed and in my reverie thought of the fun we were going to have as I had seen many, many of these socks in the laundry basket and in a drawer.

Soon after my Human woke I surprised him with some gifts as I had stealthily gathered together all of the socks that I could reach and taken them to the study.

Now it seems that not all socks are toys and some of the best ones have been shut away in a drawer. This news was accompanied by the disappointment that my Human no longer seemed to want to play, even with the sock that I had first found.

Living with this human is going to be complicated!

The World According to Tank 7

My Human and I are learning to work with SHEEEPS.

Now SHEEEPS are the very best thing in the whole world, better than my human Mum, better than the rabbit that my human only discovered this afternoon on his bedroom floor and even better than socks.

The first time we went to Hum's (Human Mum's) sheep my Human was very stern, quite loud and I thought "Oh bother, bother, bother! (Actually I thought some words that I've learned since travelling in the cab of the red truck on motorways with Hum and my Human because they obviously express my Humans' disappointment in the rest of the human race). Yes, "Oh bother," I thought, "here I am with a Human who seems to be OK but he's going to speak to me loudly every time I get to play with the best thing in the whole, wide world."

Well my Human and I have played with the SHEEPS quite a few times now and after that first time he has calmed right down and speaks quietly and firmly. I don't mind firm - at least it means that he's made his mind up about what he's asking me to do.

I think that he was very nervous and afraid that I might eat a SHEEEP just a little bit but I've been very good. You see, if you eat the SHEEEPS there won't be any left to play with and that would not be at all good.

At the moment I'm allowed to play with the Badger Girls and there are many of them. Many, because us dogs don't have words for numbers beyond two. When we count sheep we go "One, Two, Some, Many, All of Them!" That works well enough for us and suits the humans too when they are shedding or singling. It can be a bit tricky in what I think is called the "International Shed" which is done with Many SHEEEPS. The humans get a bit upset that we don't care exactly how many makes the difference between two and some.

Back to me and Human Dad (bother did I just caninpomorphise him? Suppose that he will have to be called Had - well he does seem to care and doesn't get very cross when I sort out his socks with my rather sharp teeth. In fact he says that "I like darning").

This evening we had to go to the field with the Badger Girls to fill their water tank. They do like a drink those Welsh SHEEEPS! While the tank (I do hope that Had doesn't get confused between tank and Tank - it's a worry, he is old and forgetful and I really don't wish to be filled with water). While the tank was filling (please note the small "t", Had) we played SHEEEPS. I think that I'm teaching him as much as he is teaching me. Well to be slightly pompous - it is probably allowed as I am a SHEEEPS dog, very graceful and, Had says, beautiful - I think I taught him a little about "stock sense" but he is beginning to help me to understand "That'll do, here".

I think that this ride is going to be fun!

The World According to Tank 8

Life with humans is soooo complicated! In THE world, the world of sheep dogs, winner takes it! If brother leaves bone, it's yours! If aunt can be harried away from something - it's yours.

Why oh why do humans not follow the rules? It seems that Gaffer Tape is only his, that some socks are only his and that despite the fact that he was not playing with them, the pillow cases are his!

Hey ho!

The World According to Tank 9

SHEEEPS!

As you know they are the very, very bestest thing in the world and my Hum has three different sorts. She has "The Welsh Girls" - they are black and jumpy and I'm not allowed to play with them yet. Actually I think that it's Had that is no allowed. Then there are the lambs from the Welsh Girls - there are 14 of them and so far only Josh has been allowed to have a proper play with some of them but he is a bit strong and one or two have managed to squeeze through the fence that makes the round pen.

Then there are the Badger Girls, my favourites because we go and play with them every day. They do seem to be rather keen on Had's legs and are always crowding round, maybe admiring something about them that only sheep could appreciate.

Lastly Hum has the six Herdies and the first play with theses is reserved for Grandma Quill because she is very, very clever and took some SHEEEPS for a walk around a course on Saturday (when we were stuck on the "Effing M25") terrifically well as Jed knows, to his cost.

Today I spent quite a lot of time with Auntie Ruby while Had repaired a fence. Apparently this is around a field where we can all learn to "outrun" better than we ever could on 4 Acres. I don't quite understand this because I can outrun the Badger Girls easily - nonetheless Had seems to be very pleased with me so today has been good.

The World According to Tank 10

Well, I have been on another adventure with Hum's gang. We spent a long time bumping along in the truck on something called the "bleeding M1" and that was after creeping along the "Effing M25. Humans are quite clever in some ways but why do they make trucks that can speed along even faster than Auntie Ruby and then flock together with so many other trucks that they go much more slowly than I can run? It's a mystery.

Still we eventually arrived at Longshaw which is a jolly nice place with lots of good people, many SHEEEPS and a place where I can play with Hum's gang.

I didn't get to play with these SHEEEPS but Grandma Quill had a go on something called a trials field. I'll tell you all about trials when I've learned some more - Had says that he's going to take me trialling one day.

What I can say about this trial is that there was something called a Maltese Cross. Now I don't know what a Maltese is but it certainly made Quill cross. These northern SHEEEPS are different to our Badger Girls. Uncle Griff told me about them before we came up here because he had a play with them in the Hebrides. Now that I've seen them I think he was teasing. I couldn't see any clogs or whippets or even cloth caps but they have HORNS! Well, Hum and Grandma (that’s Quill who is my grandma but shares the same human mum - I’ll explain one day when you have an hour to read a very, very boring post) managed to get the scary north country SHEEEPS as far as the Maltese Cross where somebody glued them to a corner! They must have done because Hum and and Garndma did everything they could to move the SHEEEPS out of the corner when a man made a bell ring and Hum went round to where the naughty SHEEPS were stuck and unstuck them and put them into the Exhaust Pen. I know where I’d have put them! They were very, very naughty SHEEEPS but Hum came away laughing, which is good and Grandma came away wanting another go which is also good. Auntie Pearl says that she would have eaten one of them as an example to the others and “then they’d've moved!” I think that the other humans might have been a little bit cross if Auntie Pearl had eaten one of them and Hum would have gone red in the face but I still have a lot to learn. Hum and Had say that if Pearl had eaten one of them my Human Uncle John would have said “Goooooood dog!” He thinks that Auntie Pearl is the very best dog for eating SHEEEPS and that worries me because I want there to be some SHEEEPS left for me to play with.

I’m very tired now and Had has put another bottle on his desk so I think hat it will soon be time for bed. I’ll tell you more about Longshaw tomorrow - I need to throw this piece of bone about a bit and then sneaks into Had’s kennel once he starts snoring!

The World According to Tank 11

Just a quick note that other pups might find useful. If your human buys a bumper pack of toilet rolls and puts them all neatly on a shelf near their toilet which is just at nose level they are NOT being generous and buying enough that they can share the bounty of the bathroom.

The World According to Tank 12

I really will get back to Longshaw and tell you about our other adventures including "woolly knickers parties" but first I will tell you about today and being at home again.

Yesterday I spent a long time in the truck and so had lots of sleeps. This meant that at 2:30 this morning I was full of energy and decided to play a game of run, skid jump. It's great fun! The first go is a little painful but then it's fun all the way. You run out of the study (where I have to sleep because Had has not finished his kennel (sorry, my kennel), skid on the hall floor and then jump onto Had's bed, do a 180, leap onto the hall floor in a single graceful bound (I am my mother's daughter), skid across the hall and return to the study - repeat until stopped!

It is a little painful because you have to barge Had's bedroom door open the first time but hen it's just fun, fun, fun!

After about six goes I was stopped! Just when I had perfected the simple skid. Pooo! Its not fair.

Actually I must try not to use words like "poo" because I had to do a lot of growing up later in the morning.

First we went to play with the Badger Girls which, my friends, you will know are SHEEEPS and therefore that was wonderful. I was very, very good and did "Come bye", "Awaaaaay", "Walk on" and "That'll do" and got 9 out of 10! I lost a mark because I went anti-clockwise once when Had said "Come bye". It was a bit mean to dock a mark. By the way I don't like the word "dock" because I'm very proud of my tail even if I hide it when I'm working. Docking is good for my cousins the terriers, spanners and that lot but not for us collies! When the mark was lost I knew that the SHEEEPS were going to go right but Had thought they were going to go left. Still he doesn't get cross - he knows that he has a lot to learn and that us Collies have a sixth SHEEEPS sense.

So my readers a really good start to the day: crunched lots of toilet rolls, played Run, Skid and Jump and got to play with SHEEPS.

A further note on "The Matter of the Toilet Rolls" before I go on.
Just because humans are not bendy enough to keep themselves clean properly they have this stuff called toilet roll. Now I have one tongue therefore Had can only need one toilet roll so all the others were spare and I only played with 9 of them so that left him 3 which really should be quite enough.

Later on I'm going to tell you about "bonking" and why I was scared but Had is going to take me to play with SHEEEPS again soon so it will have to wait until later!

PS I did a lot of growing up today as you will read and think that it is time that I called my humans by their human names instead of Hum and Had. Actually even if I had to grown up so much I would do this because Had and Hum get confusing to some of my human readers. So, in future, I will call Had, Nick and Hum, Sarah - how grown up (and cheeky) am I?

The World According to Tank 13

On Monday my Human and I went to a new field where our SHEEEPS will have more room and I can learn how to move them around a bigger space.

It was quite fun sniffing around Big Field but then my human decided to do some bonking. It wasn't his bonker that scared me although it was very big. It was the noise that bonking makes. It was awful. When my Human had finished bonking for the first time Sarah came along with my brother Murdo and Mum (Flow). They didn't seem to mind him bonking but I don't like it!

Still I suppose that he has to knock in the fence posts with a bonker so that they can put up something called electric fencing to stop the SHEEEPS running away out of the field when we're not there. We don't need any sort of fence when we're there because we are SHEEEPS dogs and can keep those SHEEEPS in order. Well the grown-ups can but I'm still learning and have to teach my Human a thing or two, too!

The World According to Tank 14

Today I've mostly been helping My Human, Nick.

Very early this morning I was thinking about how difficult it must be to be human. A big, big problem is that if you're human you are not nearly bendy enough to look after personal hygiene without all sorts of contraptions and aids - sinks, showers, baths, soap, shampoo, towels, flannels, toilets and toilet paper. Now I'm a puppy, a very clever puppy, but still only a pup. I cannot make soap, build a bath of weave flannels and towels but, I thought, if Nick hasn't closed the bathroom door properly I might just be able to bring him some toilet rolls.

Now these human toilet rolls are funny things, quite tasty but they do dry your mouth out. What's more they have teeny-weeny perforations which must make it very difficult for my human who is not nearly so elegant and graceful as I. Just to be helpful and even if it did make my mouth dry I re-perforated 6 rolls for him, got the rolls started past that tricky sticky bit at the beginning and took them to him at dawn minus 3 hours just in case he needed an early morning empty.

Later we went and moved the Badger Girls. I put them in the pen having brought them all the way up the steep hill at "4 Acres" and Nick did the easy bit putting them in then trailer before we took them to Big Field.

Apparently some people have SHEEEPS and no SHEEEPS-dog. They must be mad! I made the job so easy even though Nick sometimes muddles his "Come-bye" with his "Away"! This is not a big probe;em because I read which way the SHEEEPS are going to go and get it right. Sometimes he is right and sometimes he gives me commands just to show whose boss (he thinks).

Later on I judged how Uncle Griff helped put the Welsh Girls in the trailer (he dropped some points here and there but not bad, not bad at all. Mind you I've not forgiven him yet for telling me about "bonking" which, young Griffin, is noisy way of putting fence posts in and does NOT involve "tying", "lining" or any of those things that your adolescent mind has dreamt up!

The last job of the day was to help Nick and Sarah get hay. This is something that SHEEEPS might need in the winter. Before we set off Nick put several coils of rope on the lawn ready to put in the truck. Now as Sarah said "She knows how old and forgetful you are!" so I picked them up, checked their strength a few times with my teeth and left them all in the study doorway. Nick was amused in a sort of "very good, very funny but why?" sort of way and we went and got 50 bales of hay.

I don;t think that I will ever quite understand humans. They were putting 50 bales on the flatbed trailer which meant going up to six layers of bales. How did they do this? The shorter one, Sarah, passed the bales up to Nick (who is actually much taller but doesn't believe it) who is standing on top of layer five. Now I do quite like my human but he has a number of weaknesses and one of those is that he does not like heights (ask my mother, Flow about the Pulpit Stone). Oh well, I'd helped with the ropes.

It seems that we are going on another Gather adventure tomorrow so you may have to wait a little longer to hear about Longshaw "Woolly Knickers Parties".

The World According to Tank 15

Oh dear! Human Mum, Sarah has found some pictures in the "Baby/Pup album". I'm just waiting to feel embarrassed.

The World According to Tank 16

Tanks Handy Hints for Puppies

My Human carries a treasure in his back pocket - it's really tasty and has crunchy and soft things inside. Now your human might be different but mine was not happy when I devoted an hour to try and seize this treasure. Something about, "If you eat that we won't have any money to buy diesel so you will never get to see the SHEEEPS again."
I don't think he really meant that because he enjoys me teaching him about SHEEEPS but he was not very pleased.

So pups - no wallets!

The World According to Tank 17

I've been to Wales! Everyone went, mum Flow, grandma Quill, brother Murdo, uncle Griff, Auntie Ruby, Auntie Pearl and Little Josh. Our humans came too. Well I suppose they would have to wouldn't they because none of us can drive and it would be a jolly long walk. Anyway Wales is the best place I've been on a Gather adventure. The humans kept saying things like "Wow, look at the light on those hills" and "They way those stone walls creep over the valley - just stunning." They really can be stupid at times. For a species that can make spectacles, binoculars, microscopes and all sorts of other things that make it possible to see things that would be otherwise invisible sometimes they cannot see the obvious! Wales is stunning and "wow" and all the other "good" words because everywhere you look there are SHEEEPS - thousands and thousands of SHEEEPS. They are scattered all over the place just waiting for collies to gather them up and play. It's amazing! There are lots of collies too but so, so many SHEEEPS that there are enough to go round.

I'd like the humans to buy themselves a big kennel in Wales with lots of little kennels for us then we could play with SHEEEPS all day long, every day. There is, though, a problem. Sometimes it's not called Wales but Whales because it can be very, very wet. My human says that he's too old to spend the rest of his life in waterproofs. I don't see the problem but I suppose when you are a species that has not yet evolved proper drip-dry fur and have to make different sets of fur to put on for different sorts of weather these things matter. Humans do have fur. I know this because I went into the room with the yummy rolls of paper and my Human was standing in a large white bowl under his own little metal rain cloud deliberately getting wet without any of his clothes on. The silly thing is that quite frankly human fur seems to be in the wrong places and the places that should have fur do not. Even stranger is the fact that the best fur they have is on their heads and it keeps growing all the time and they have to tie it back or cut it to stop themselves going wool-blind. Isn't evolution a funny thing. Some paths lead to species with all sorts of problems and one has led to the perfection that is a collie.

Now considering that our humans have to deliberately get wet every day just because they are not bendy enough nor do they have long enough tongues to keep clean any other way, refusing to move to Wales because it can be wet is just silly. I mean it's not as if you can't play with SHEEEPS when they are wet is it?

Hey ho, such is life. My older relatives tell me that there are other places like Wales with many, many SHEEEPS like Northsheepsumberland and the North Riding of Sheepshire and that these places are not quite as wet as Whales or even Wales.

Tomorrow I will tell you about pack of humans that are just as nice as my humans and about The International which a thing when the the very cleverest of collies get to play with SHEEPS with the best trained humans. Some of these humans are so well trained that they will follow instructions from more than one dog too! Now that's clever.

The World According to Tank 18

A welcome on the hillside.

When we got to Wales it was quite late and we'd been in the truck or trailer for a very long time.

Sarah and Nick also call themselves The Gather and The Gather had asked if anyone had a field that they could park in because other people on a public campsite might not like all 8 of us playing chase in and out of their tents and caravans.

Some lovely, lovely people called Pugh offered a place not far from where the International was being held. Sarah & Nick went very quiet as we turned up the Pugh's farm track as it was quite steep and they didn't know what they wold find at the top. Trucks with trailers are a bit like dogs - they don't really like walking backwards so my Humans were hoping that there would be enough space to turn around.

They needn't have worried. We arrived in a farm yard surrounded by fields with SHEEEPS, lots of room and Mummy Pugh and her oldest pup, sorry so n to greet us all.

They had moved the SHEEEPS out of one of the fields so that we would have a place to play. It seems that more than two dogs playing with SHEEEPS at one time is cheating which is odd because sometimes one dog has to move hundreds of SHEEEPS.

These wonderful humans made us all very welcome and were very interested in us dogs. I think that they were even more interested in us than in Nick and Sarah.

So we had a place to stay and were all able to enjoy the International. Well we didn't actually see much of it but we did see some famous dogs and their people: Sweep's Ricky Hutchinson, Llangwm Cap's Aled and Tweedale Jamie's Emma to name but six.

Every day we had a grand game of chase in the morning and in the evening, thanks to the Pughs and every lunchtime Nick took us for walks. On the second day he gave some bones to keep us amused - they were delicious especially as they had been out of the freezer in the warm trailer for 48 hours.

We saw some of the Pugh's dogs too although we weren't introduced to the Terrierists because they can be a little unfriendly to strangers.

All in all we had a wonderful time and on the way back Sarah went to visit Llangwm's Aled who thought that my mum, Flow, was super.

The bestest bit though was the Pughs oh yes and Sonia and Gustavo. They had come all the way from a place called Argentina and were so happy to meet Sarah and Nick that Sonia cried - I don't think that I ever will understand humans.

Sonia is sweet, she brought Sarah and Nick some crochet SHEEEPS that look very, very interesting although I'm NOT allowed to play with them which is a shame. Gustavo is a gaucho and a very big man so would be scary if he was not so nice. In fact he was so nice that Auntie Ruby let him stroke her which is AMAZING as she doesn't like people except Sarah & Nick and usually runs away.

We had a lovely time but I did miss playing with SHEEPS so I was quite pleased to be home. SO pleased, in fact, that I softened up Nick's notebook just a little and made it have very pretty deckled edges. He was not very appreciative so I made it up for him by taking him some clothes to the bathroom this morning when he was standing in his personal rain-storm. He didn't like my choice and said that no one needs four socks of different colours and certainly not when they have been softened up and licked a lot. I did try to make it up to him by taking some clothes out of the rain-room but it seems that he wanted the trousers - I really never will understand humans

The World According to Tank 19

Sarah has many SHEEEPS - I love Sarah lots anyway but especially because she has SHEEEPS.

There are the Badger Girls that I've played with at a place called "4 Acres", the Herdie Girls that I'm not allowed to play with yet that live on Sarah's fields and the Welsh Girls which are sometimes called the "Black Girls". Before we went to Wales Sarah and Nick moved the Welsh Girls and my Badger Girls to a place called Strettons without telling me. This means that now we're back we go to Strettons to play with SHEEEPS. Strettons is on a hill so when you get to the field the SHEEEPS might be over the brow where you can't see them which makes it more interesting.

Imagine my surprise when I was walking with Nick to find my SHEEEPS only to see that there were two lots - the Welsh and the Badger Girls in two flocks quite close to each other.

The Welsh Girls took one look at me and ran! When I say ran I mean RAN! They are faster than Uncle Griff on speed - whatever that means but I heard Nick say it and it sounds grown-up. They are faster, even, than Auntie Ruby when she sees a squirrel. I might call them the Rocket Girls. I ran and ran and ran until I got past them for I am Daughter of Flow which means that I'm very fast too. I was just about to go round them when they stopped behaving like SHEEEPS as I know them and split up! The poor old Badger Girls, who are good sheepie SHEEEPS because they stick together didn't know which ones to follow and neither did I! Eventually I did get them all together and we played for a while but it's jolly tiring and it was hot, hotter than something called "coffee" that my Humans have to drink in the mornings before they can do anything at all. The field is also very big. Not as big as Wales but much bigger than 4 Acres so I had to run a very, very long way and did get quite tired and very thirsty. When Nick decided that I was getting too hot and too tired he called "That'll do, that'll do here" and I obediently, if reluctantly jogged over to him in an extended trot. (Did you know that my mother, Flow, is very elegant, graceful and is the first Collie to try dressage and that I have inherited her ability?) Now for the bad news. I was just about to have a drink when the fence bit me! It has something called electrickery in it and that bites! I'm not going near that again - horrid, naughty fence biting Tank!

I was going to say that the Rocket SHEEEPS were the fastest SHEEEPS in the world but now I have met their pups. Oh no, not pups. What do they call SHEEPS pups? Lambs - that's it, lambs. You see the Welsh Girls whelped this year and Sarah has 14 Lambs who now live at 4 Acres. It's jolly confusing when they keep moving the SHEEEPS around - you never know why you are going to find.

Nick had to go and check the Lambs and I went too. They were all in the barn and so I thought that I'd help him get them out. Well! If he Rocket Sheep are fast and don't stick together these go off in all directions faster than bullets. They go so fast that they must reach the speed of light because they disappear - poof!

I don't think that I'm ready to lay with Lambs yet but their time will come.

The World According to Tank 20

Well today had some good and some bad.

The bad first. I'm worried about my Human. He spends a lot of time staring at the computer. Now I don't understand the Internet - it's mainly visual, has some sound but NO SMELL! What's the point? I do know that humans are predominantly visual creatures so why, oh why does he keep staring at mages on the computer? I've looked over his shoulder and seen what he's looking at and I'm not happy! It just does't seem right. It's the sort of thing that Uncle Griff the hormonal adolescent would stare at and slobber and my human has stared at these images for hour after hour when we could have been playing with SHEEEPS. Well, OK, he does start looking at these pictures when it's still dark but I'm sure that I could find the SHEEEPS even at 4 in the morning! But no! We don't go and play with SHEEEPS because he's staring at these pictures and running his "cursor" over them - whatever that is?

He is staring at picture after picture of OTHER COLLIES! Apparently he is "editing the International pictures" - well that's his story and he's sticking to it but I'm worried. I've heard that there are places called Bala, Skipton and Sennybridge where dogs can be had for money and discontented humans can sell their dogs. I don't want to be sold. If I could only cure my Human of this addiction to images of dogs doing stuff with sheep I'd be very happy!

Has anyone any ideas of how I can stop him letching at pictures of other dogs? I've not even mentioned the number of pictures of handlers' bums that he sees and types "x"! He did three "x"s in a row several times. What does that mean? A three "x" bum?

Never mind because we can go to Wales where there are many, many SHEEEPS. The humans said it was too wet and I said that you can play with wet SHEEEPS and today we did just that! I was very very good (Bala, Skipton, Sennybridge - not for me) and not only played my games but made Him think that I was playing his game - brilliant!

The World According to Tank 21

I Tank, daughter of Flow the Magnificent, have defeated the Rocket SHEEEPS. With my secret recipe for success I brought them back after they abandoned the Badger Girls. I ran, faster than the wind, faster even than my Humans can empty a bottle of wine.

The secret? Garlic! This morning, while waiting for Nick to finish his umpteenth mug of coffee I discovered that he had left the doors to the kitchen open so I went to have an explore. Now the kitchen is out of bounds really but I was sure he wouldn't mind very much.

There, in a canvas bag was a bulb of some sort, all crispy on the outside and moist on the inside. At first I just wanted to carry it to the bedroom but I must have bitten just a little bit hard and it did get a sort of chewed look. Nonetheless I continued to the bedroom where it became a teeny weeny bit more chewed.

"What have you got now?" Nick asked which was silly really because:

1 I didn't know what it was called
and
2 Even I cannot talk (yet).

He actually answered his own question when he trod on one of the bits of the bulb, "Garlic! You've eaten have a garlic bulb."

Well it was the only thing that was different today but those Rocket SHEEEPS just couldn't get away from me and Nick was very pleased.

I'm not sure how long the effect lasts. I hope that it is forever because I don't think that I'm going to be allowed to eat any more garlic because Nick says the whole house smells of it now. Well that was his fault for treading on it and crushing it!

The World According to Tank 22

Well yesterday was jolly good fun but very tiring.

First we went and played with my doggy family and then we went to the seaside! Now my mum, Flow, had told me about the seaside and how there are many crunchy things on the beach but that they are all hers because she discovered them at Dornoch when she went to Scotland as a pup. She was right - many, any crunchy things but I was very good and only played with a few.

She forgot to tell me about Gulls! The funny thing abut Gulls is that I knew a group of them is called a flock but why I don't know. They are nothing like SHEEEPS and they don't flock! When you practice your rather straight outrun on them they scatter - a bit like Lambs but they are naughty cheats. When you get close they not only run away and scatter to the left and right but scatter upwards! They fly! Now how can I get round them and bring them to Nick if they travel in three dimensions? It's not fair. I'm going to ask Auntie Ruby about them because she is very interested in birds especially swallows.

While we were on the beach we met some people sitting on horses and then I discovered a precious thing. This actually made me very sad and very happy at the same time. It was a brightly coloured ball decorated with paw prints. It had a hole in it but I could still throw it in the air and pounce on it. It made me sad because I imagined another dog, on the beach with its human playing with this treasure when the ball was lost and a very, very sad dog must have gone home in tears. It is a terrible shame when you loose a treasure. I hope the sad dog's human bought it another ball. The treasure did make me happy though and I wish I could tell the sad dog that I will look after his treasure forever.

When we left the beach we went and played with the gang again - we ran around for ages and I played running through the hedge with Murdo although we don't fit through the same gaps as we did when we were little.

Nick then had to do some strimming and finish putting up an Electrickery Fence. He said I should be pleased as this would mean space for more SHEEEPS but I did get bored waiting until we went and played with the Badger Girls and the Rocket SHEEEPS. I'm proud to say that the effect of the garlic has lasted and I was able to run right round the Rocket SHEEEPS and take all the SHEEEPS to Nick. He was very pleased. We then went and played with the gang AGAIN after checking that the Lambs were OK.

A busy, busy day! I know that Nick put the precious thing in the truck somewhere - I hope he finds it today.

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Ah made a bit of a faux poo this afternoon. It's like a faux pas but more interesting in an olfactory sense.

While Nick was moving the Round Pen - much grunting, puffing and panting as well as the use of the farm jack which hit him on the head once (I didn't laugh, honestly! Maybe just a snigger but he wouldn't have heard over his cussing).

Well it was boring so I went exploring and found a calling card left by a very distant relative, namely Charlie Fox. It seemed only right and proper that such an inviting smell be broadcast more widely and, as I have reflected, the internet is great for pictures but no telepong available yet so you cannot beat a bit of a roll and then using the vast surface area of my fur to spread the news far and wide.

Nick was not pleased! Evolution may have given Humans quite a big brain, reasonable visual acuity and Jeremy Kyle (whatever that is) but their olfactory system is pathetic and undiscerning! Being able to distinguish the side of the vineyard by sniffing wine is useless when you cannot appreciate a decent whiff!

Still, much as I like him, Nick, like the rest of the evolutionary cul-de-sac that is the genus Homo was not at all happy.

"YOU are a whiffy puppy!"
"In the truck Stinky!"
"You're going to regret this when I find a bucket and brush Foetid Fur."
"What's going to happen when we go to watch hounds following a trail tomorrow? Good job you're not a red dog is all I can say!"

. . . and on and on and on and on.

Regrets? "Je regret rien." have you noticed that since Sarah got back from France we have "Faux poo", "cul-de-sac" and other Gallicisms?

We arrived home, I was marched to a wheelbarrow that had filled with rainwater after Nick had located a scrubbing brush and all of that lovely pong was washed and scrubbed away while he held my collar as if I might run for Burton. Soon he realised that, much to his disappointment, I was enjoying the cold water groom so the grip on the collar was loosed and I stood there enjoying every stroke f the brush.

So, lesson learned. If you roll in Charlie poo you get a treat when you get home!

Hope he doesn't read this!

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It seems that today was laundry day! Nick picked on MY treasures. He carefully collected all of my socks/trophies that were distributed around the house and put them in the wet cupboard with the small round door in the kitchen.

It's not fair! He also picked up the pile of clothes that he'd left temptingly on the bedroom floor and put them in the same cupboard without checking to see the gift that I'd left him in return for the socks.

So it was that my best bone was washed today! It did make the cupboard with the round door a bit noisy too!

Never mind! We went and played with SHEEEPS three times today. I wass very, very good and collected all of the Badger Girls and the Rocket SHEEEPS and put them together several times. I went left and right every time that Nick gave the correct command - he does seem to struggle with his Come Bye and his Away sometimes. I think that the Rocketb SHEEEPS can be a bit quick of the old boy. Still I am keeping him out of the Day Centre.

This working SHEEEPS is a bit of an addiction. I'll keep going long after I'm exhausted which is rather like my Humans and wine if you think about it: "One more splash?" they say - "one more gather" I say!

Back to the laundry. After the washing (except for my bone) had been dried on the line Nick did some ironing. I'm not sure what that is other than he puts a machine that hisses into his hand and squashes his clothes. I thought that I'd help so watched carefully for a little while and then had a brilliant idea. You remember that he sometimes gets his "Come-bye" and his "Away" muddled up, well "if I marked one leg of his removable leg fur with a big, muddy paw-print it would help him to remember: paw-print = P = port (he's an erstwhile sailor) = left = Come-bye - just brilliant." So! When he was ironing his removable leg-fur (or trousers to Nick) I popped outside, dipped my paws in a puddle and ran back to jump up onto the "hissing and squashing board" at just the right moment to mark the correct leg.

I try so hard to help him but sometimes he just doesn't understand!

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Damn, damn, damn and at least thrice times that!

He came out to see where I was and so, having escaped I sat "miserably" outside the gate. I knew that he wanted to know how I got out and he knew that it was a game because I do quite like living here and so have no need to "escape".

He called me:
"Tank, Tankie - that'll do, here!" The last was mean because he knew that the command was sacrosanct. So when I heard it I went top the gap under the hurdles and pretended that I couldn't get through.

He tried it all again and still, somehow, I just could not get back into the garden.

Then he opened the hurdles and called me so I waltzed in - so far so good. Then he sneaked over the hurdles and called me towards the truck. In my silly excitement that we might be going to play with SHEEEPS again I shot under the hurdles in their weak place, yes the very place I had just pretended was too small, and went "duh!"

That was jolly sneaky of him but I'd tip my cap if I had one - well played human but your trials are not over yet!

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Tank's Tips for Pups 2

In the real (dog) world you may chew anything as long as a more important dog isn't chewing it - simple!

In the human world it is much more complicated!

When I chewed and killed the vicious white snake that was lurking on the chest of drawers it seems that it was not a good thing! Nick wasn't chewing it so by doggy rules I was helping. It seems that the Great White Firewire Lead Snake was reserved for Nick and that I should have left it alone!

The same is true of the "Best Braces Snake".

Never mind I made it up to him by being very good with the SHEEEPS this morning. I might even post a video.

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We've just watched "One Man and his Dog" on #BBCCountryphobe. Nick is trying to make me growl at John Craven. A much bigger issue is why have they given the segment the wrong title? Surely it should be "One dog and its human". Not very PC these humans and they invented the idea!

Earlier on today Nick and I went and played with the SHEEEPS and it was good! I like it when he is quiet and do as I'm told even when what I'm told is just wrong. When I say that I think there is a bit of a problem with this SHEEEPS lark. I want to hunt the SHEEEPS and deliver them to Nick because he is boss. When I do that I think "YES now there will be a feast" but HE wants to mess around with them first and we have never quite got to the feast bit.

Later on we went back to the SHEEEPS and it was all different! Sarah came with us with Mum and 'bro' (that's Murdo but how hip am I?) I was a little bit miffed because Sarah and Murdo went and played with MY SHEEEPS first! Well actually they only played with the Badger Girls and did't even see the ROCKET SHEEEPS.

The idea was that Murdo would mess about with my SHEEEPS and then I'd go and collect them from Murdo and have a little play, showing everyone how beautifully I move. WELL! Sarah is VERY fierce with Murdo. I don't have to be fierce with him because he's a pussy-cat. Why did I type that? None of us like cats and I love my bro! Well Nick sent me to get the SHEEEPS but I just had to say "Hello" to Murdo on the way and got a little bit too excited. NO! I didn't eat one of the SHEEEPS but did give them a bit of a shock! Apparently it's called "slicing" which is confusing because it wash't ready to carve.

When Sarah's there Nick is different. He sounds much fiercer and louder. We do need to play more "batting the SHEEEPS between Murdo and me Games" but I hope that Nick stops being so stressy when Sarah's there because it affects the way I play with SHEEEPS.

Oh well - much to learn (and much to teach).

Ready for tomorrow now! Apparentrly we are going to meet a special relative called "hounds" - excited!

PS Tank's Top Tips for Pups

The very, very best place to chew your bone is, apparently, not on top of your Human's clean fleece that you have dragged lovingly onto his (or her) bed.

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STOP PRESS

Tank's Top Tips for pups.

It seems that despite the evidence to the contrary and the fact that my human is very pleased when I'm chewing my bone, DO NOT drag his clean fleece and pressed underpants onto his bed to make a comfortable surface for bone chewing!

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Yesterday I played SHEEEPS tennis with my brother, Murdo. I did get a bit excited to start with and rather motor at top speed but Nick was not his usual self. I think that it was because Sarah was there and he was feeling nervous. I'll admit that I was showing off a bit to start with so that Murdo would understand that I, Tank, will always win the chase games no matter how big he grows!

Once I'd settled down it was great fun. The idea is that Murdo collects the SHEEEPS and takes them to Sarah and then I go and get them and bring them back to Nick. Then Murdo gets the SHEEPS from Nick and me and takes them to Sarah and so on and so on. We do get to show off our "Come Byes", "Aways", "Lie Downs" (but as Nick was nervous it was "LIE DOWN!!!!!!" a couple of times) and "Walk Ups" when we have the SHEEEPS so I didn't mind too much when Murdo took my SHEEEPS. Anyway Nick said that we would go back later when they would be HIS SHEEEPS again and that I could lay with them for a while. I do know that when we are playing SHEEEPS they are his but just sometimes I like to think that they are mine.

Now for a confession.

I, Tank, daughter of Flow the Magnificent was wrong!

You might remember that I usually play with the Badger Girls and the Rocket SHEEEPS. Well Sarah said that it might be good if I played with the lambs every now and then so when Nick delivered the bonker to 4 acre we had a little play. WOOOOOOW! Those lambs are the real Rocket SHEEEPS. Compared to them, the original ROCKET SHEEPS (who will now be called Welsh Girls) are slugs. In comparison the Welsh Girls are as fast as a Pug with asthma and a cold. They are slower than a tortoise on dope, an anaesthetised snail and even slower than the traffic on the "M effing 25"! Whereas the Rocket LAMBS could beat Nick to a glass of Talisker!

Hey ho! I think we might be off on another adventure as Nick has just been out to the trailer and loaded some bottles of something called wine. More of that in due course.

PS I met some of my fan club today when we went out to see Hounds. Now these are Nick's second favourite dogs but they are not as clever as us collies because they have to about in a big gang and travel miles sniffing for the smell left behind by someone on a horse with a sock on a string. Apparently this is a good thing to do - going to see them not the sock bit. It seems that years ago, even before Grandmother Quill was born these hounds used to go and catch foxes. Now that would be a good thing because foxes are things that pretend to be a bit like dogs but eat LAMBS. Eating LAMBS is bad because if the foxes ate all of the lambs there would be no SHEEEPS for me to play with.

Anyway they chase after a whiffy sock which is ridiculous as I can find many socks here at home without needing 34 other collies to help!

While we were there we met Sharon who likes my stories and apparently tells her father, Eddy, and her workmates all about me. I like Sharon, not because I want to be famous but because she tells all the others at something called a "Department Store" all about my adventures and they laugh! This is good, so "Hello" Sharon's work mates.

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Sorry not to have dog-blogged for a few days. We are away on another adventure in Wiltshire and tomorrow Grandma and Auntie Pearl are going to do a "double gather" when you get two lots of SHEEEPS! When I grow up I'm going to do lots of Double Gathers and play with twice as many SHEEEPS!

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Two of Tank's Top Tips for Pups

Good evening everyone - I will tell you about my adventures in Wiltshire but Nick won't let me near the computer for long as he is "very busy catching up". This seems to involve looking at many, many pictures of other dogs and SHEEPS.

Top Tip One is that the delicious leather snack that humans keep around their iPads are not treats! I really struggle with humans sometimes. They put leather (which is a delicious treat - YUM) around something delicate and then get a bit shirty with you when you trim it to fit the iPad exactly! I left all of the leather, more's the pity, that actually covered the iPad so I really don;t understand the problem.

Top Tip Two is that when researching who should cover Auntie Ruby so that she can have pups (hooray - I love pups) you are not allowed to eat the Stud Book cover while giving the problem your careful consideration! Nick and Sarah both smoke when they're thinking, some Humans chew gum while cogitating but I'm not allowed to chew the cover - it really does't make sense.

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Today I have played with many SHEEEPS! I have also built a nest out of Nick's pillows. He has 4 pillows but only ever uses one for his head and the others to prop up the iPad so he can read as he falls asleep. At least he didn't seem quite as miffed as when I buried my bones under his pillows without moving them so he didn't discover them until he went to bed.

This morning we played with the Badger Girls and the Welsh Girls and I was very good! We are having a bit of a disagreement about "HERE"! He knows that I won't run onto the SHEEEPS until he tells me so why of why does he want me to walk behind him when we get to the field? Anyway it is clearly important to him so I do ytry to remember.

Apparently we are going for another adventure so he put his spare skins into the cupboard with the round window but became quite aerated when he couldn't find the fourth of his favourite paw covers - sorry socks. Eventually he found my sock stash and put the bestest sock in the world into the whirry cupboard before hanging it out on a rope over the grass just out of my reach.

Anyway enough of his domestic duties. After playing with the Badger and Welsh Girls we went to check the SUPERSONIC LAMB SHEEEPS and give them fresh water. I got to play with them and by using my speed and the lessons that I've taught Nick managed to get them all together and take them to Nick.

Once when they ran one of them got away from the others but I caught up with her and gave her a bit of a sniff. Nick was not very happy but I think that he really wanted to say "GOOD DOG" like human Uncle John because she is a very naughty LAMB SHEEEPS - I've heard Sarah say she is so it must be true.

In the afternoon Nick collected Auntie Ruby and we took her to the Badger Girls where she had first go. I suppose there are enough SHEEEPS to go round. I was very good and quiet while Ruby was playing - she is jolly fast but I could hear Nick saying "STAND" in quite a loud voice quite a few times. When I had my turn Auntie Ruby was not nearly as sensible and kept crying. What a baby!

So in one day I played with all but the Herdie Girls.

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Today I, Tank, have played with SHEEEPS (and was very good) and made a collection of Nick's smalls (underpants and they ain't small!).

The first bit was very good as I said, apparently the second bit was not so good as I only chose pants from the ironing pile (do you blame me?).

It seems that making a stash of pants in his pillows is "not good". Well if he cannot be bothered to iron them as soon as they are dry and put them in the "smalls drawer" he has no one to blame but himself! It wash'y my fault that I couldn't think of anywhere else to stash the apple core, bestest piece of chewed kindling and some wetness that came off my beautiful coat.

He seems particularly upset as we are off on another adventure tomorrow to see Anni (my second mum), a Herdie Show and visit Thomas so we will be away for a week and it seems that he needs his pants. Hey ho! If humansd only had longer tongues and their own fur instead of this removable fur malarky.

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We're on another adventure!!!

We've seen Herdies, travelled many, many miles, seen more Herdies . . . and played chase with the gang, and seen mountains, and seen more Herdies, and found bones, and eaten sphagnum moss, and see more Herdies, and met Andrew and Heather (they are really, really nice humans), and saw Herdie rams (not too keen on them) and then we went more miles and arrived at a place where I was allowed to play with many, many Herdies. Tooooo much to blog!!!

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Home! Socks!

There is so much to tell! It's going to take me a few days to blog because he is hogging the computer with phrases like "I've still got to edit Shabden and Bishopstone and lots of those hound pictures" but I will twill all and share a video of ME doing "INSIDE FLANKS!!!!!"

I will tell you all about Wasdale and Thomas, and Herdies, and Hebrideans (fast little beggars they are), and playing with the crew and how I've grown up and finding my dropping bone at home but HE wants the computer.

There might even be a video of me INSIDE FLANKING!!! Please be patient.

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Oh it's all just too, too exciting! So much to tell and then something else happens. Auntie Ruby has come to stay!

I was so excited that I dropped my old bone on her paw when she was having a rest and now she thinks that it's her bone. Never mind I'll get it back after we've played chase some more in the hall.

We are going to be best, best buddies ever!

We've played chase, been for a walk on the common, eaten our dinner (I'm a bit worried about my breakfast as Auntie Ruby is very, very old - even more than 3! - so doesn't have breakfast. She was very, very good when we had dinner and only ate her own bowl full but I'm not too sure about Tank eating and Auntie looking at an empty bowl in the morning. Maybe I won't hesitate so long before eating now.

The other thing that worries me is quite how we will all manage to sleep. You see Nick has not yet finished our/his kennels and he often leaves the bedroom door open so I do sneak in and keep him company. I think that if Auntie Ruby does that too Nick will have to sleep on the sofa - we'll see.

All this excitement and I still haven't told you all about our last adventure. Life is very exhausting being a member of The Gather Gang - never a dull moment.

Nick was going to take both of us back to SHEEEPS this afternoon but it was dark before he had the chance. Poor old Auntie Ruby hasn't played with SHEEEPS at all today but I did let Nick have a practice at his inside flanks this morning on the Badger Girls and Welsh Girls. He was not too bad at that but struggled a bit with the SUPERSONIC SHEEEPS - the LAMBS so I put them in the pen so he could de-stress.

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Tee Hee

Bit of a boring day today. We went to a trial where Uncle Griff did very well as did Grandma Quill but I didn't get to pal with SHEEEPS at all!

I did get to run out with some of the gang but then we had to sit in the truck and drive home. After dropping Sarah and Griff, and Quill, and Josh and Pearl off we went to check SHEEEPS but Nick took Auntie Ruby to gather the Badger Girls and Welsh Girls! Hmmmmph!

Now he is an old codger, Nick, with a memory that doesn't remember anything that happened after the Stone Age. Sometimes he goers into a kennel, sorry room, and forgets why he's there but can still remember songs word by word from the 60s (whatever they were). This might be bad but today it was really good! Last night he took three bones out of the freezer for Sarah's dogs that were having to stay at home and this morning? He forgot them!!!!!! Brilliant!!

When we got home I was going to sulk but I'm not good at that and anyway I didn't need to because he gave one of the bones to Auntie Ruby and the other one to me! It's ginormous!

We had the bones after we had played "puppy wrestling" for a while - Auntie Ruby is not very, very browed up at all and likes to play.

Anyway we had our bones - Ruby in the hall and me in the study and we gnawed and we gnawed and we gnawed - it was super!

The best bit though was when Auntie Ruby thought that she would get a sneaky stroke from the Old Codger and I added her bone to mine!

Tee Hee!

She just stood there and stared - could't believe her eyes. I, Tank, the daughter of Flow the Magnificent had taken the bone from Ruby the Shy. Tee Hee!

I let her have her bone back (eventually) but I think that I am my mother's daughter and have power!

PS - I really will tell you how the Wasdale trip went and how I'm getting on with training the Old Codger but life is very busy with a bone to chew and a scheme to make for how I can bury it in the Old Codger's bed while it still has some meat and fat on it!

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Well! Ought to try and catch up.

Our great adventure north!! We spent many, many times in the truck to get to a place called Burton where I was reunited with my Foster Human Mum, Anni and her gang. Anni is lovely! Not, of course, as lovely as Sarah and I stayed with her for a while before I went to live with the Old Codger. She, Anni, taught me about "Come bye", "Walk on" and "Away" as well as "Lie Down".

It did take me a while to understand the Old Codger's accent after Anni had taught me those commands but I managed.

We only spent a little time there but while we did Digs, Anni and Sarah made me go out with some FENCE SHEEEPS* under the eye of the Old Codger. He was terrified - I could feel it. he had all of his commands muddled up and I really was quite confused but not, obviously, as confused as he was.

*FENCE SHEEPS are called that because they stick to the fence like a bur in the tail. Apparently they are "little beggars" - I think it was beggars but I might be wrong.

That was the first evening. In the morning he must have taken some "chill pills" because he was much more like his slow old self and we did quite well.

Lots of other dogs plated with the FENCE SHEEPS including Mum. Still our stay was good because I got to meet up with old friends like Jazz and Cherry as well as running about with The Gang.

We only stayed one night and then it was back in then truck for many, many hours until, we arrived at Wasdale Head. Wow! There are mountains. Even bigger than the hill at 4 Acres! Apparentlk the dogs who live there have to run up the mountains and collect the SHEEEPS which are all a bit like our Herdy Girls but even tougher. Actually I don't know really because I'm not allowed to play with Sarah's Herdies (yet).

We met some wonderful humans called Andrew and Heather who gave us a whole field to play in!

I sorted my brother Murdo out and then we played chase! Some of the ground was just a jumble of rocks that hurt the old pads while other bits were like, well I don't really know what they were like but if you bit the ground it was like having a drink. Nick (the Old Codger) said it was Sphagnum and that it is like a sponge. Terrific!

We spent the night in the trailer and the truck and the in the morning . . . well you'll have to wait until Nick lets me back at the computer. As he is trying to do what he calls "work" - pah! That does't involve running very, very, very fast to get round SHEEEPS - call it work? He just sits there!

More tomorrow. I'm going to play "Both Bones are Mine" with Auntie Ruby!

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Nick was not very amused when I ate his chequebook this morning. Now apparently, "we can't buy any more bones or dog food!"

Feeling a little out of favour I decided to do something about it so looked around for inspiration and remembered the things that you can see in the picture. They are all called "Charlie" which is probably because the Old Codger has such trouble remembering names. Anyway they are foxes and the Old Codger is clearly rather fond of them so, I thought, I must be more fox-like.

It was a brain wave! We went for a walk - Ruby, the Old Codger and I and clever little me found some fox poo to roll in so that I now smell just like a fox!

When we got home I managed to push the bedroom door open and curl up on his pillow.

It was a bit of a disappointment when he found me as, despite doing a charming little tail flick and the irresistible "sticky-out tongue" thing he didn't seem as overjoyed as I thought he should be, especially after all my planning and effort.

Funny things these humans.

PS - What is a bath?

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Today I made my first 'phone call (don't you just love the proper use of an apostrophe there? Am I a smart puppy or what?)

Nick (the Old Codger - OG) had a nap at midday and left the 'phone (there I go again) on the other (less foxy pillow) in case someone needed him to help and forgot it was there. No one called so when we got back from our walk I leapt on the bed and hit "redial". Apparently I rang Alan. He did not understand a word I said but he is a city-human and still earning about he countryside.

But enough about today - you want hear about my time with Thomas. He is very, very fierce! Well he isn't really but I thought he was at first. Nonetheless he taught Nick about "how to do inside flanks" - it's not rocket science you old codger! I sort of know about left and right so why the big deal?

Anyway - here's a video sneakily taken by the lovely Mum - oops, Sarah.

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It should have been a cracking day because Auntie Ruby and I hatched a plan.

We heard Nick stop snoring and dribbling at about 3:30am and so played "boxing" in the hall for an hour. It seems that this stopped the lazy old codger from going back to sleep so he went and sat at the computer thingy. Huh - we were only playing.

So! While he was tapping and clicking and all that stuff we defended him by killing the Big Bad Black Snake with a Large Head. It was good! There was almost nothing left of its body although neither of us could crack open the head or the lumpy bit on then tail but there and again that was stuck to the wall.

It seem that the Big Bad Black Snake with a Large Head was some other sort of pet and that we were very lucky! HE calls it the "Electric Drill Battery Charger Unit - how silly is that - it is clearly a dangerous serpent which is why we mashed it, mullered it, diced it . . . just to protect him from such a horrible thing. OK Auntie Ruby did mutter something about "thin bodied snakes with copper in them" being "out of bounds" but she joined in once I'd got it cornered and jolly nearly cracked open the tail lump.

Apparently without this serpent he "can't finish the fence for Spot's training". Spot is a new friend - actually he is a bit too friendly and his behaviour is frightfully personal as I might be "coming into heat" - whatever that means.

Anyway he must be special because Sarah is wanting him to play with the Herdy Girls and even I'm not allowed to play with them . . . yet!

It seems that if the "Big Bad Black Snake with a Large Head" had been switched on it might have bitten me or even Auntie Ruby! I'd like to meet the snake that would bite Auntie Ruby! It would be the last thing that they did! She's teaching me about squirrels (more later).

Anyway we played with the Badger Girls and the Welsh Girls which, my friends, you will know are SHEEEPS and I got all of my inside flanks right - Nick got one wrong but he did apologise!

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What a funny (peculiar) day! First of all we heard Nick stop snoring and dribbling so we played "boxing and wrestling" so he got off the (our) bed and sat at his desk for a looooong time with the computer.

Apparently he is doing something called "The Hunt Calendar" and does not like to be disturbed so we only demanded a little attention very 2 minutes or so. It seems that if he doesn't finish this soon all those hounds (they're like dogs but 'special') will be hungry! As they are like dogs we left him alone and played wrestling again before we went to play with SHEEEPS. Auntie Ruby got to play first with the Supersonic SHEEEPS. This was because Nick wanted them a long way away so he could get the trailer out of the field without getting the Supersonic SHEEEPS out of the field at the same time.

Then we went to see the Badger Girls and the Welsh Girls - they were my SHEEEPS to start with. I was very good. I did all that "Coooome bye", "AAAAaaaway" and "lie dooooown" stuff really well.

One of the Badger Girls (the mostly white SHEEEPS) was limping so we spent a lot of time splitting the SHEEEPS into two.

Now this is not natural! I, Tank, daughter of Flow the Magnificent, know that you need to keep SHEEEPS together AND when we get to a field and play with SHEEEPS Nick sometimes says "LOOOOOK" and I go and find more SHEEEPS and put them all together - this is good! But it seems that sometimes having just some of the SHEEEPS is good so I was very good (most of the time).

All was good then Nick went to do some "hedge laying". This would be very boring except it's Sarah's hedge so every now and again we (that is Auntie Ruby and I) get to play with part of the gang.

The down side is that when Nick is "hedge-laying" he puts an extension on his paws called a chain-saw! It is very VERY noisy!

Eventually Sarah arrived home and instructed Nick to give the hoppity Badger Girl SHEEPS an injection!

"Just catch her in the open," she said.

More of that later!

The World According to Tank 41

As I wrote yesterday, Nick was charged with giving the Hoppity SHEEEPS an injection. This meant getting all the Badger SHEEPS together and bringing them to Nick which I did very well!

He then stood there trying to remember which one was hoppity while keeping an eye on me and holding a tin of spray and a rather fierce looking syringe with a very sharp needle. Now we dogs don't have opposable thumbs so it would be very difficult for us to stand there holding onto two things ket alone three - the third thing that Nick wanted to get hold of was the Hoppity SHEEEPS. He has opposable thumbs but only on his front legs so he ran out of hands.

He tried putting the can in his pocket which did rather slow him down so even the Hoppity SHEEEPS was quicker than him. He did "grip" the SHEEEPS but it got away and hew was left holding a little bit of wool! Now if Auntie Ruby flosses her teeth with SHEEEPS wool Nick growls at her and is clearly not pleased so I went round all of the SHEEEPS to get to Nick and was going to tell him off. I thought better of it when I saw his face - he was clearly not happy with himself.

Anyway he finally got hold of a SHEEEPS and lifted its head up under the chin. Luckily, before he managed to get the syringe out of his top pocket and inject it he spotted that one of the SHEEEPS that I was looking after was Hoppity. As there is only one Hoppity SHEEEPS he realised that he had got hold of the wrong one! He was not looking any happier. He put the syringe back in his top pocket so that he would have two hands to get hold of the Hoppity SHEEEPS.

I got all the SHEEEPS together again and we tried to get the Hoppity one where he could grab it. He slipped, he said ouch and then rubbed his chest. It seems that his left breast will be safe from infection for a little while because the needle scratched him through his shirt and fleece. Hope that his chest doesn't swell up - he nearly needs a bra already!

Eventually he made a new plan. Now I've never played the game but it seems that there is a game for "chaps" (I know that girls play too) called "Rugger". It is played by Chaps because Blokes play something called "Football". In the Chaps' game you can "tackle" the opposition by running after them and bringing them down. Nick tackled the Hoppity SHEEEPS. Held onto her and then had a little rest. He was puffing and panting quite a lot. Actualy an awful lot. No wonder I have to do all the running when we play with SHEEEPS - the Poor Old Codger would never get round them.

I think that he also had a rest to watch the other SHEEEPS to make sure that he had the Hoppity one. He sure as hell wasn't going to let go of the one he had.

Well he made me move the other SHEEEPS away and when he was sure that none of them were Hoppity he gave his SHEEEPS an injection. Then he grunted a little as he tried to get the spray tin out of his pocket without letting go of the Hoppity one and drew a little blob on its head. That seemed silly really. I he'd done that first he would have been able to see which was Hoppity when they were all standing together.

I really don't understand Humans at all!

The World According to Tank 42

As I wrote yesterday, Nick was charged with giving the Hoppity SHEEEPS an injection. This meant getting all the Badger SHEEPS together and bringing them to Nick which I did very well!

I think that he also had a rest to watch the other SHEEEPS to make sure that he had the Hoppity one. He sure as hell wasn't going to let go of the one he had.

I really don't understand Humans at all!

The World According to Tank 43

As I wrote yesterday, Nick was charged with giving the Hoppity SHEEEPS an injection. This meant getting all the Badger SHEEPS together and bringing them to Nick which I did very well!

I think that he also had a rest to watch the other SHEEEPS to make sure that he had the Hoppity one. He sure as hell wasn't going to let go of the one he had.

I really don't understand Humans at all!

The World According to Tank 44

I'm not allowed to blog again until I've done my "lines":

I must not roll in fox poo
I must not roll in fox poo
I must not roll in fox poo.

This could take some time - I've got to type this 100 times and it's jolly difficult when you've just been scrubbed with not very warm water.

I must not roll in fox poo
I must not roll in fox poo.

. . . and no, I'm not allowed to copy and paste - boo hoo.

The World According to Tank 45

. . . . .
99 I must not roll in fox poo
100 I must not roll in fox poo

YES!

I think that some of you didn't spot that I had posted this morning before we went out and I rolled. So here is the post again.

As I wrote yesterday, Nick was charged with giving the Hoppity SHEEEPS an injection. This meant getting all the Badger SHEEPS together and bringing them to Nick which I did very well!
He then stood there trying to remember which one was hoppity while keeping an eye on me and holding a tin of spray and a rather fierce looking syringe with a very sharp needle. Now we dogs don't have opposable thumbs so it would be very difficult for us to stand there holding onto two things ket alone three - the third thing that Nick wanted to get hold of was the Hoppity SHEEEPS. He has opposable thumbs but only on his front legs so he ran out of hands.
He tried putting the can in his pocket which did rather slow him down so even the Hoppity SHEEEPS was quicker than him. He did "grip" the SHEEEPS but it got away and hew was left holding a little bit of wool! Now if Auntie Ruby flosses her teeth with SHEEEPS wool Nick growls at her and is clearly not pleased so I went round all of the SHEEEPS to get to Nick and was going to tell him off. I thought better of it when I saw his face - he was clearly not happy with himself.
Anyway he finally got hold of a SHEEEPS and lifted its head up under the chin. Luckily, before he managed to get the syringe out of his top pocket and inject it he spotted that one of the SHEEEPS that I was looking after was Hoppity. As there is only one Hoppity SHEEEPS he realised that he had got hold of the wrong one! He was not looking any happier. He put the syringe back in his top pocket so that he would have two hands to get hold of the Hoppity SHEEEPS.
I got all the SHEEEPS together again and we tried to get the Hoppity one where he could grab it. He slipped, he said ouch and then rubbed his chest. It seems that his left breast will be safe from infection for a little while because the needle scratched him through his shirt and fleece. Hope that his chest doesn't swell up - he nearly needs a bra already!
Eventually he made a new plan. Now I've never played the game but it seems that there is a game for "chaps" (I know that girls play too) called "Rugger". It is played by Chaps because Blokes play something called "Football". In the Chaps' game you can "tackle" the opposition by running after them and bringing them down. Nick tackled the Hoppity SHEEEPS. Held onto her and then had a little rest. He was puffing and panting quite a lot. Actualy an awful lot. No wonder I have to do all the running when we play with SHEEEPS - the Poor Old Codger would never get round them.
I think that he also had a rest to watch the other SHEEEPS to make sure that he had the Hoppity one. He sure as hell wasn't going to let go of the one he had.
Well he made me move the other SHEEEPS away and when he was sure that none of them were Hoppity he gave his SHEEEPS an injection. Then he grunted a little as he tried to get the spray tin out of his pocket without letting go of the Hoppity one and drew a little blob on its head. That seemed silly really. I he'd done that first he would have been able to see which was Hoppity when they were all standing together.
I really don't understand Humans at all!

The World According to Tank 46

Well apparently there's something called "Hallow'en" coming up. Humans believe that it is a night when all sorts of ghoulies, ghosties and spirits walk abroad. Silly, silly superstitious humans.

The real spirits of nature are there all the time but most humans are too self-absorbed to see or feel them so they make up all sorts of nonsense about zombies and monsters.

Speaking of monsters, this morning I met the biggest MONSTER SHEEEPS in the world! They're ginger coloured, very, very, very big and have horns like you've never seen. I'm wasn't sure whether Ruby and Nick had seen them but I had no idea how they could miss them! Ruby just walked on by without even twitching or trying to gather them to Nick. I was disappointed because I thought that Ruby was a Queen of SHEEEPS dogs and could gather and hold-up all the SHEEEPS in the world.

I was going to try even though these MONSTER SHEEEPS were very big and fierce looking for I am Tank, daughter of Flow the Invincible.

Nick put me on a lead

:( and wouldn't let me. Actually I was quite glad. Being Tank, daughter of Flow the Invincible has its risks you know - you have to do things that no dog has done before like running up vertical rocks.

"Now Tank, they are not sheep," said Nick. Seeing how humans are so clever how come they don't know that the word is SHEEEPS. He went on in a funny voice - funny peculiar that is - I didn't laugh.
"They're hieland coos - you daft little dog."
Well he's the one who's daft - they're SHEEEPS. Cows don't have woolly coats but I am quite glad that I don't have to play with them after all.

The World According to Tank 47

I am trying to write a looooong blog about waiting in the woods for a Finnish girl to meet us instead of fireworks so that her dog Cherry (she's really nice) can meet with a Swedish girl who lives in France who has a Welsh dog called Jim who's going to make puppies with Cherry but I'm confused even if you're not!

BUT the big news is that I've discovered MINI-SHEEEPS!

We were out for our morning walk - that's Auntie Ruby Nick and I when I saw something move. It wasn't one of the MONSTER SHEEEPS because I'm not allowed to play with them (maybe when I'm bigger and grow horns). It was a teeny weeny SHEEEPS and I wanted to get it for Nick so I ran like the wind, almost as fast as Uncle Griff because I am Tank, daughter of Flow the Invincible. I ran so fast that the leaves were twirling behind me and I nearly got to the MINI-SHEEEPS when it disappeared.

Witchcraft!

It just disappeared! Where it had been was just a hole in the ground.

Now when I first saw the MINI-SHEEEPS Auntie Ruby saw me and set off but couldn't catch me because I am very, very, very fast.

"Phew," I said to Auntie, "These MINI-SHEEEPS are quick and they cheat, even more than birds!"

"Well niece you need to learn. That was RABBIT-SHEEEPS and they disappear into the ground."

"S'not fair. That's magic," I said. "I don't use magic, I use my speed and cleverness without magic at all. Supposing I just magicked myself up to the SHEEEPS and magicked them through all the gates? That would not be fun at all!"

"You have much to learn my niece. This world is filled with things of wonder, many sorts of SHEEEPS. I, Ruby have been questing for the TREE-SHEEEPS. They run and you run and then they appear in the tree above your head. Humans call them Squirrels."

Tricky business this growing up as a SHEEEPS dog. It seems that he, that is Nick, calls MINI-SHEEEPS, rabbits andf we do nuo herd them at all.

The World According to Tank 48

Tee hee!

Nick forgot to close the bathroom door properly the other evening when he was dashing around trying to have his own rain storm in the rain room and put on his smart fur before going out for dinner.

On the matter of Nick and his rain storms - 'snot fair! I get 'rated if I roll in some delicious smell but he goes and stands under the hot rain machine and covers himself in yucky smells. Wrights Coal Tar it's called - it's horrid! Then, when he's smeared himself with it and then washes the bubbly bits off he doesn't smell like Nick at all.

Back to the other evening. He had carefully placed some clean paw covers - socks I think they're called - on the side.

"Thank you," I thought, "very kind of you - I'll have those."

Well I know that I shouldn't really take socks because he always takes them away from me. Anyway I took both socks to the study and waited for him to come looking for them.

"Leave it!" he ordered and so I put the sock down and looked innocent - I'm really good at that.
"Where's the other one, Tank?"
I carried on looking innocent and Ruby carried on chewing her bone. He looked everywhere. Everywhere except where the sock was and eventually he gave up and fetched a different pair from the sock drawer - a real treasure house but I haven't learned to open drawers yet.

Auntie Ruby carried on eating her bone while he finished getting ready to go out. Eventually he was ready and we had to go with him in the truck. It was only when Auntie Ruby stood up that he saw that she had been lying on the other sock all the time.

He doesn't stand a chance if we work together - tee hee!

The World According to Tank 48

More witchcraft!

We went for our morning walk on the Common and I had a plan! When we got to the place where the RABBIT-SHEEEPS disappeared I thought that if I ran into the bushes where the hole appeared i might just catch one out.

As quick as a flash I dashed into the bushes but there was no RABBIT-SHEEEPS instead there, as big as a house with horns was one of the MONSTER-SHEEEPS.

I, Tank, daughter of Flow the Fierce, thought it best to leave it alone so I turned around. It was getting cold so I thought that I'd run very, very quickly to warm up and, being a wise little dog I was a teeny-weeny bit concerned that my lovely feathered tail might catch on the MONSTER SHEEEPS' horns and hurt it so I tucked my tail away between my legs just to be on the safe side.

Nick and Ruby giggled but now I know the truth! When RABBIT SHEEEPS disappear a hole appears and then, out of the hole comes a baby MONSTER SHEEEPS which grows and grows and grows very, very quickly and in seconds is a full sized MONSTER SHEEEPS.

The World According to Tank 49

It's true - there are TREE SHEEEPS!

Auntie Ruby told me about TREE SHEEPS but it was hard to believe that there were teeny-weeny SHEEPS that climbed trees.

She says that they are all hers but I found one all by myself. It was on the ground so I went to "gather" it but it ran up a tree. I was close enough to see that it did not have feathers like one of those cheats - birds.

Anyway, Nick has many, many books and lots of them are about zoology and evolution. Now I really, really want to ingest all that knowledge but there is a touch of conflict. HE just looks at them so how can he ingest all that information? I know how to ingest knowledge! It involves teeth and much licking.

Hey ho!

I have ingested much about "evolution" from his books so understand that it is all about "survival of the fittest".

It seems to me that some SHEEEPS must have lived where there were wolves who were very hungry. The wolves ate all the fat SHEEEPS that could not climb leaving only the small SHEEEPS with sharp feets that could climb trees.

Anyway when I’m a bit older I might catch one because I am Tank, daughter of Flow the Rock Runner. Mum was given that name after she visited a lace called the Pulpit Rock near Tain in Scotland. Sarah was standing on top of the very tall rock having managed to get up there using a tree and Mum (Flow) just ran up the rock - it was 10 feet tall too - and nearly knocked Sarah of the top! If I have inherited that super power no TREE SHEEEPS will be safe.

Auntie Ruby says that I did very well and she especially liked my leap at the tree trunk so she says that we can share the TREE SHEEEPS.

The World According to Tank 50

Well! What a day yesterday!

Almost as soon as Nick got up we knew that it was going to be a "Trial Day" because he finished his coffee and then went into the kitchen and started cooking. He only does that on trial days. It smelled delicious but we didn't get any - Thai Green Curry Chicken Soup. Then he made soda bread. We hoped that this would go wrong like it did last time when the electricity stopped and then we might get the little bits that were cooked.

Anyway Nick put the soda bread into the cupboard which gets hot inside and got ready to take us for our walk on the common. First of all he went to get a water container out of the truck - he does this on Trial Days because he and Sarah cannot get through the morning without making coffee. Oh yes and so we can have a drink. They like to have fresh water every time they go out. Funny how humans cannot appreciate green water in a puddle.

He put the water container in the porch ready to fill when we goy back and called Auntie Ruby. Well actually he doesn't call her Auntie so really he just called "Rooooo!"

But nothing happened. He whistled. No Auntie Ruby. We started the first bit of our walk thinking that Naughty Auntie Ruby may have gone on ahead which would be very unusual but there was no sign of her and he started to look worried.

Auntie Ruby had disappeared! I wondered whether she had gone down a RABBIT SHEEEPS hole and if she had what would she come out as? I know that RABBIT SHEEEPS turn into MONSTER SHEEEPS when they come out of the hole. Nick didm;t look into any of the holes so then I thought "she's spotted a TREE SHEEEPS on the ground and gone after it.

Nick spoke to Sarah and they both went looking for Auntie Ruby. I was going to put a "Lost Auntie" notice here on my blog but Nick beat me to it and put a notice on his Facebook pages and he printed out a Lost Dog poster.

A lost Auntie Ruby is a tricky thing because even though some very nice people went out and helped to look for her she doesn't like people (except Sarah and Nick) and wouldn't have gone to anyone if she was called.

Then a wonderful lady sent a message to say that she'd been seen so Sarah went to look for her and found her - hurray.

When Nick knew that she'd been found by Sarah and was in Sarah's truck he looked a bit odd. His eyes were watery - must have been the wind.

Poor old Nick and Sarah they had had a terrible fright and Mum sensed this when she had her run at the trial and was not able to do her best. The same with Uncle Griff - boo hoo! Nick was going to let me help to take the TRIALS SHEEEPS off the course but thought that I might be a bit speedy because I knew that he was shaken up by the morning's adventure so I didn't get to play BUT when we were nearly home I went with Nick to check Sarah's SHEEEPS and Ruby didn't get a go at all! Serves her right! She had been a very naughty Auntie indeed.

This morning she had to go on the lead for quite a lot of our walk but did have a bit of a run once we were behind a fence.

Monday 28 November 2016

TREE SHEEEPS